Paris burning, Trump in church

Remember Paris Hilton?  She was 'so in' as long as she was drunk and out of her wits, doing homemade porn and partying without end.  Then they took the heiress to jail and she announced that she had cried all night and read the Bible and was going to change her ways.  The media dropped her like a hot potato, never to be heard from again.  Overnight, Paris burned. And now it turns out she has voted for Trump!  “Could it be—“ I’m voicing this like they always ask on those cable TV specials about space aliens: Could it be that they influenced Einstein????—“that Paris grew up and realized what she had to lose?” Like a fortune?  Like her soul? Like her sanity?

Lewinsky too.  She voted Trump.  Kanye West woulda if he hadda.  Alas poor Hillary, I knew thee well. She underperformed among women, Afro-Americans, and young people, but she did really well among pollsters.  Well, yeah, and she had trouble with Wikileaks, but doctors say this is common if you are 69 years old.  Trump won. The Cubs won.  Hell hasn’t frozen over but it’s 36 degrees.  Obama chastised Hillary saying she didn’t go to enough fish fries and county fairs.  He did.  Wow! I agree for once with Obama! But then Miss Shirley asked rhetorically, “Did Hillary have the stamina?”  Excellent question. 

Take consolation, Democrats.  This is the first time a billionaire has been asked to move into federal project housing formerly inhabited by a black family at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.  And Hillary is going to build a big, beautiful wall between her Foundation and the FBI.  Mexico has already capitulated.  They read that stuff about her and called up Washington and agreed to build a wall and pay for it no matter who won.

So now we have moved on.  “If you like your legacy, Barack, you can keep it.” The Clinton Family Foundation has changed its name to Clinton Legal Defense Fund.  And some young kids in many cities, who didn’t bother to vote, are trying to protest and change the election results.  Good luck with that. “Hey, let’s burn down some cities run by liberals for years.  That’ll teach people not to vote for Trump!”  And Trump is picking Cabinet appointees which Chuckie Schumer is going to oppose and filibuster.  Um, Chuck, you guys changed the Senate rules, remember?  There can’t be any filibusters of appointees.  Straight up or down vote and 51 wins it.  Guess who has 51 now?  Don’t you remember you and that Harry Reid changed this? 

I’ll say this, with so many things coming back in style these days, I can’t wait for intelligence and morality.  Plus I heard the two scariest Halloween costumes this year, an IRS agent and the kid who showed up at Clinton’s headquarters dressed as a lie detector. Trump and Pence went to church today together. When people in my Sunday School class today started saying things about voting for Trump, and everyone seemed to have voted for him, Pastor asked if he was a perfect person then.  Everyone laughed heartily.  So if Trump went to church, he is in the right place, just like all the rest of us.  Maybe we got the boat upright this time.

Debate transcript

I listened to the Presidential debate and here are my notes.  However, sometimes a deaf guy doesn’t hear just right, so you have to kinda guess what is being said in between—if you know what I mean.

 

Hillary: His answers are all racist and misogynist!

Lefter Holt:  Just give us a few minutes to do a sound check and then we will begin the debate.

Trump:  This is not really Hillary! She got sick and this is just a body double!

Bill (in audience): Man, I wish.

Obama (in audience): No mother should have to fear for her black son’s life every time he robs a convenience store.

Holt: Okay, I think we are ready to go.  Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the first Presidential debate.  While everyone has opinions on our two candidates, we are still going to ask pedestrian questions so you can hear what they have to say.  What?  I am being informed that a man has been located who lives up a canyon in Utah who has no opinion about Clinton or Trump?  So, having fact-checked myself, let us begin. First question is for Mrs. Clinton.  Is it true that you and President Obama had secret pen names while communicating on email? 

Hillary: Well, yes, but no one would ever guess the one I chose.

Bill (in audience):  She used Tammy Wynette.  You know, “Stand By Your Man”

Hill: Hush! Now my computer has been acting funny lately.  It pops up messages that are odd.

Holt:  How so?

Hillary: Well, I told Cheryl Mills that I could see Russia from my computer.  And it popped up a message, “We can see Hillary from Russia.”  As President, I vow to wipe out Russian cyber terrorism.

Bill: Hey, honey, your ipad is now reading, “You mean, like with a cloth?—Vlad”

Hillary:  Bill, this is my debate!  I vow to protect America from Russian cyber terrorism.

Holt: And how will you do that?             Hillary:  Along with Obamacare, each person in America will be required to purchase a hammer and smash their smart phone.

Trump: First jobs she ever created.

Hillary: Not so!  If we let in 110,000 Syrian refugees, that is creating jobs for policemen all over America!

Trump: She doesn’t have enough stamina to be President.

Hillary:  When Donald can spend 11 hours lying to Congress, he can talk to me about stamina.  Do you know how hard it is to keep track of your story after 11 hours?

Holt: Let’s move on.  Mr. Trump, your slogan is “Make America Great Again.”  How do you defend that against those who say this is borderline racist?

Trump: It wasn’t my first choice.  I wanted to use, “It’s the economy, Stupid”

Obama (in audience): That’s plagiarism!

Trump: Right.  I would have been happy with, “It’s Islam, Stupid.” 

Holt: And how do you defend theories about your health?

Trump:  My health?  Don’t you mean hers?  She’s shovel ready.

Holt:  No some have noted that she got pneumonia and you said nothing.  Everyone has been saying, “Is Donald okay?”

Trump: I’m healthy as a  horse. I’m healthier than the founding fathers!

Priebus (in audience):  True.  We Republicans developed a way to bring former Presidents back from the dead.  One guy told us he could not tell a lie.  Poor guy, our campaign consultants told him don’t bother to run.  He was so depressed we had to send him back to his own century. 

Trump: I apologize.  Hillary has created jobs.  She did create a lot of FBI jobs to investigate her.

Holt:  Will you support Hillary if she is elected President?

Trump:  If she is elected, I am moving to Benghazi.  It is the only place she won’t bother me.

Gary Johnson (in audience):  Benghazi?

Priebus: It’s okay.  Rick Perry also forgets.  Of course he knew 2 out of 3.

Gary Johnson: Yeah, but I know how to deal with Russia.  Hillary gave them the RESET button and they reset her password.

Hillary: I beg your pardon.  I happen to have gotten an email from a Nigerian prince and he sent ME 20 million dollars.  Can any of the rest of you match that?

Obama:  I have just signed an executive order to replace “Looters” with “undocumented shoppers”

Hillary: If I am elected President, I will work with Black Lives Matter to resolve the riots peacefully.  I have already begun negotiations.

Holt:  You have?

Hillary: Yes, they say they demand civil rights and equal treatment under the law.  However, they would settle for several high definition televisions, a couple pairs of sneakers, and a few cases of beer.

Holt: Well, that concludes our debate for tonight.  Next week we continue with the question, “If government could fix everything, wouldn’t it be fixed by now?”

Obama: I think you should discuss following ISIS to the gates of hell, like I promised to do.

Trump: How you going to do that in a golf cart?

 

Well, there you have my notes.  Did I miss anything?

Oklahoma towns

I read on the internet what they thought were the strangest town names in the world.  Why, Arizona makes it.  So does Dull, Scotland.  Well, Hello!  Have you been to Oklahoma?  We have paired towns like Dinger and Binger. Ringling and Ringwood and Bowring. Bokhoma, Dacoma and Lahoma. Wakita and Vinita  Boggy Depot and Bug Tussle. Bessie and Gerty.  Go down I-35 and find a sign south of Oklahoma City that says Wayne/Payne.  They aren’t far apart either.  Liberty, New Liberty and Freedom. Slapout is a ways from Dibble and Tuttle.

Then there’s my favorite, Nowhere.  Nowhere is between Turpin and Gray along US 83 out in the panhandle. There’s actually a bit of history and politics about this name.  US 83  was known as the highway to nowhere when it was built in 1935 because the eastern press disdained the project as a government boondoggle.  It went from Williston, ND to Dalhart, TX never intersecting a city with more than 15,000 people.  Why build the highway?  Because FDR was trying to retain the farm vote and show confidence in the progress of the Dust Bowl area after committing the gaffe that he thought the whole area should be made a national park and the farmers removed.  So they built the highway to nowhere, and the urban newspapers lampooned it, even though it turned out to be a good truck route.  Since the Democrat party was turning decidedly urban, the controversy only stirred up animosity with the rural folks. 3 different country music songs were written about the “highway to nowhere.” “I’m travellin’ this highway to nowhere / since I can’t find the way to your heart.” And somebody in Oklahoma had the inspiration to put up a sign near a rural elevator, Nowhere, OK.    Eat your heart out, Wappanucka. 

Another favorite is Enid.  (Between Fairmont and Fairview) Sounds common enough.  A woman’s name, right?  Nope.  Originally a small eating joint was located along the Chisholm trail, later US 81.  They put up a big cutout sign that said, DINE, but most people approached it from the other direction where it looked like ENID.  The town was born. 

We also have city names around here just to trap and label you as a foreigner.  Miami is prounounced My am uh.  Prague, a town of Czech settlers, is mysteriously pronounced Pray-g. How about Gotebo? (Goaty Bow) If that doesn’t trip a stranger up, try pronouncing Ochelata or Nelagony which are only 15 miles apart.

Just remember Happyland isn’t far from Oil Center.

Vacation

Sorry, I haven’t written much.  Been on vacation with the grandkids and having a swell time. A Harvard study has concluded that Independence Day celebrations make kids into conservatives.  Think of the anguish of the NEA.  One doggone day of fireworks and a patriotic song and it undoes 180 days of public education!  Well, we did our part with sparklers and patriot pancakes for breakfast.  The 3- and 5-year old are clearly hooked.  Concerning the NEA, half my relatives are school teachers.  My wife, daughter, neice, sister-in-law, aunt, wife’s mother—all teachers in public schools.  I have taught for both OU and KSU.  I listen a lot. So my conclusion is that if the teacher’s unions were more amenable to school choice, like choice for kids who attend failing schools or impoverished areas, they would garner a lot more sympathy from the general public when it comes to state funding.  But the obsession of keeping public schools a monopoly turns people off when the product does not measure up (70% support choice).  And I believe that increases in school competiton would soon make public schools more academically productive, less administration and sports laden, with teachers left free to teach to a greater extent.

Okay, so Hillary gets off of criminal charges.  The Democrats said the email investigation and Benghazi committee report were just a witch hunt.  Just as Hillary was about to speak, a house fell on her.  The Benghazi report concludes that Hillary lied.  Hillary says they found nothing new.  She demanded Trump turn over copies of his tax returns.  Trump said, “I thought I emailed them to you.” And then Slick Willie got into the act by meeting with AG Lynch. Then both of them insisted they didn’t talk about the investigation.  Now what dummy believes that Bill talked to the woman potentially prosecuting his wife and thinks the subject never came up? ”I did not have legal discussions with that woman, Loretta Lynch!”  And I saw that Elizabeth Warren got a big boost from doing a speech with Hillary.  Hey, split the fee and with another speech, Warren will have enough to retire on.

So the devout Muslims are still killing Christians during the Ramadan month. But true Muslims are full of love and peace and no disharmony like Christians.  No Muslim baker would refuse to serve if asked to serve a big party at a gay stoning.  Libs believe all the news—Orlando, San Bernardino, Istanbul, Paris, Brussels-- is a bunch of nonsense because it was caused by insufficient gun laws.  Apparently they didn’t see me carrying a sign after the Boston Marathon Bombing, “Guns don’t kill people.  Pressure cookers do!”  I hear that a lib went into a Bed Bath & Beyond and started yelling about Assault Cutlery.  “How many knives does a cook need?  No one needs high-capacity knife storage blocks. Why does anyone need a knife with a jagged edge?”   Just a bunch of angry intolerate jerks with a sense of entitlement who react violently to anybody with a different opinion, who despise America, Christianity and Israel. Um, I seem to have lost my train of thought.  Was I talking about Muslims or Democrats?  Like Obama says, “You can’t just broad-brush a whole belief system as evil, unless it is conservatism.”

Startling! The Supreme Court says that Texas can’t insist on clean, safe facilities that match out-patient surgery centers when it comes to abortion. Maybe now Kermit Goznel can go back in business.  Obama wants to put Harriet Tubman, the gun-packing Christian abolitionist who founded the Underground Railroad on the Twenty.  Now isn’t that replacing the founder of the Democrats with a Republican, gun-carrying evangelical Christian woman? So tell me what did Obama learn in public school?

Meanwhile, I volunteered to help one of our state Corporation Commissioners run for re-election.  Last week her Dem opponent announced he wasn’t going to run against her citing the fact that he needed more time with family and grandchildren.  I’ll bet they have been shooting fireworks and listening to patriotic songs and he panicked.

Neanderthals

We’’ve been weeding the garden getting ready for this weekend’s festivities.  I came across this interesting article about some Neanderthals making rings in a cave, probably with the intention of a 3 ring circus, but Og couldn’t get the elephants down there.  Here’s an excerpt from MSN news.

“After French cavers found the rings in 1990, initial studies failed to pinpoint their age. [now estimated at 176,000 years] The structures, which sit in the middle of a large chamber, include an oval ring 22 feet long and 15 feet wide — big enough to encircle the largest sport utility vehicles — and a second, smaller ring. There are also four piles of stalagmites. Altogether, the builders pieced together about 400 sections of stalagmite weighing 2.4 tons, an amount that suggests teamwork and planning.

“The builders stacked the stalagmites in as many as four layers, bracing the walls with short buttress pieces. The rings easily pre-date the next-oldest human-built structures of a definitive age, which are 40,000 years old, says study co-author Jacques Jaubert of France’s University of Bordeaux.

“Perhaps Neanderthals, who flourished from roughly 350,000 to 40,000 years ago, blundered into the cave seeking shelter, says Marie Soressi of Leiden University in the Netherlands, who was not involved in the study. But even if they built the rings for practical rather than ceremonial reasons, the structures are “changing the picture of Neanderthal behavior,” she says. “We never thought before that Neanderthals would go underground.”

“The findings raise the possibility that Neanderthals were lords of the underworld well before Homo sapiens, our species of human. The oldest evidence for modern humans making use of deep caves dates back less than 42,000 years, the study says.

Neanderthals used caves because we know they didn’t have clothes but just hung a skin about themselves rather like Kim Kardashian. Colder than blitzen in the winter, so they used caves to escape the climate and paint pictures of the bison or that dadgum deer which got away on their hunt. 

 In a related topic, have I ever told you about my explanation of how agriculture began?  We know it was originated by women since they were the gathers and the men were the hunters.  Women are global thinkers and don’t forget anything.  So probably some cave woman noticed that peach trees were growing near the place where she remembered tossing some rotten peaches last fall and the dog digging for a bone and scattering dirt onto the discarded peaches.  Could she bury pits and get peaches to grow?  So she asked her husband, the cave man.  Being male he was a linear thinker and logical, took great pride in stalking mammoths.  “Why of course!” he noted, “You have both correlation between peach pits and trees, and causality from a pit sprouting.  Go ahead, Dear, and plant the pits and see what you get.”  He then congratulated his male ego and reminded himself that this is why he was in management.  Then promptly forgot about the entire issue.  But the cave woman, being of low self-esteem and communicative, decided to ask her friends if they had ever seen this done, or done it themselves.  And had anyone ever seen this on Pinterest? No one had but her friend remembered the conversation the following spring and being supportive, said that cave woman should try it and she would help her.  So at the mouth of the cave, they began planting peach pits.   Lo! Trees grew.  The cave kids played in the trees, the cave man brushed past them each night coming home, but hardly noticing.  Then one day cave woman served him a peach for dinner.  “Hey!  Where’d you get these?” asked the caveman.

Willowdale

We were watching a large tornado or supercell on Weather channel tonight.  And it was just west of Willowdale east of Bennington.  So I asked Shirley, where the heck is Willowdale?  She didn’t know, though from the map it should have been about 10 miles from where she grew up.  As Tina Fey said, “I can see Willowdale from my front porch!”  Well, no Willowdale in the Rand McNally atlas.  But upon Googling, it turns out that there is a Willowdale, Kansas, but west of Wichita.  It is a ghost town.  Post office closed in 1938.  Still has a guy living in a trailer house with 4 dogs. They can’t see Oklahoma from their front porch, but the cat can when it climbs up on the barn roof.

So what is Willowdale?  I have no doubt it is just a location, an old crossroads or an elevator that is literally nothing now.  But TWC needs it to fill in their map so they have a location to talk about. Fair enough.  But the storm watchers were dutifully telling all the residents of Willowdale to head for shelter. ( Like they really knew the place.  Was just driving through Main Street of Willowdale last Sunday.)

What’s in a name?  Would a Pete Rose by any other name smell half so sweaty?  I cannot believe they didn’t suspend or at least eject Draymond Green of the Warriors from the game.  Draymond is an old African name that means Kick Ball.  So anyway Kick Ball Green got off easy this time.  The Warriors didn’t and lost the game big at Chesapeake/Chickasaw Arena.

You know I have often argued that they should move the Redskins to Oklahoma City where the name is appreciated.  Oklahoma means “red people” in the language of an eastern tribe.  What’s less well understood is that the tribe referred to themselves as “red people” long before Colombus or Henry Cabot or other Europeans were “discovered” as an Indian friend of mine likes to quip.  Red compared to who? Eric the Red and his boy Leif Ericson?  At any rate, if they moved the Redskins, then Oklahoma Indians could sue liberals for defamation, racism and discrimination if they didn’t like the name.

Indians have been warning about too much immigration long before Trump.  Now I see that Arnold Schwarznegger is going to be the new host of Apprentice.  Are you kidding me!  Trump lost his job to an immigrant?  I heard there was a new super PAC that was trying to get more Amish to vote this November.  But all the people said they were not Amish.  They had only thrown their TVs away so they didn’t have to listen to Hillary and Trump. any more  But Hillary has a secret weapon in Bill.  He is going to handle the economy when she’s elected.  He knows how he can save money right away at the White House.  Fire all salaried staff and replace them with interns. 

Obamacare is like a hospital gown.  One tie in back and you just think everything is covered.  Have you heard about the new game, Bernopoly.  Every time you pass GO, instead of getting $200, you have to give the poorest players some property and pay a 54% tax.  Pretty soon all the players no longer buy property or try to improve them with houses or hotels.  They just sit around waiting for someone to pass GO and give them a handout. 

Oh, I shouldn’t complain about the poor.  But maybe the Democrats can explain to me again why Voter ID discriminates against minorities and the poor because they don’t have an ID.  But doesn’t it take an ID to cash a US Treasury check? Those guys never seem to have any problem with their tax refunds, do they?  I just don’t think anyone should tell me they are oppressed when they get free housing, food stamps, cell phones, and a monthly check.

One old vet said when he joined the military it was illegal to be gay.  Then it was optional.  Now it is legal.  He decided to get out before it became mandatory.   

I miss Ike

Okay, I surrender! I agree not to oppose Trump when he gets the nomination.  Why did I have that dream about how Trump lost and we are all going to be sued? Sued very, very badly.  Do you hear this?  Sued very, very badly! And let me say I am so glad he is now calling Hillary Crooked.  Last week I was the one being called Crooked so the heat is off of me.  Well, after all, I did vote for the Republican State Party Rules and have even voted to confirm a few changes at the last state party convention. It was just a sleepy “yea” when the question was called. Never realized that made me the Establishment running a  crooked convention,and  “fixed”, according to Donald.

             I sure miss Ike.  Heck, I even kinda miss Harry.  They didn’t call you names, although Harry had problems with “manure” in his lingo.  Sorry if you too young to remember.  And they wouldn’t have called the most honorable and transparent candidate I’ve seen in years, “Lyin’ Ted”.  He seemed more like Lion Ted to me. 

            All the Trump supporters had to do was to show up.  Show up at our county convention and put your name on a list to attend the district convention.  Then run to be a national delegate.  Nothing fixed or crooked here.  Just get out of bed.

            Donald won outright. The media as well as Hannity speculated that Trump is going to whine and dine delegates in Cleveland to win them all over.  Fancy meal, ride in the airplane, pay a little boksheesh as they say in India.  Really?  You have 2400 serious, patriotic, engaged delegates descending on Cleveland, during a year absolutely critical to the future of America. Do the media think they haven’t made up their minds? You think they would succumb to a bribe? Of course, Donald would throw in a copy of his new book, The Art of Complaining About a Raw Deal.

            He’ll probably  pick Rubio, Walker or Kasich for Veep as he has suggested.  Or  “Little Marco”, “Loser”, and “The Colluder who just struck oil in Ohio”, as he calls them affectionately.

            So now I can move on to thinking about how unready I am for Hillary.  Virginia is going to let felons vote for her.  If you have be incarcerated about so long, even Hillary looks good.  Hill says she learned to shoot in Pennsylvania.  Give me a break!  If Hillary could shoot, Bill would be six feet  under by now.  If Hillary and Bernie were on a boat and it was shot and sank, do you know who would survive?  America.  Of course, Hillary can’t seem to win a primary so it might be Bernie.  Bernie met the Pope and they didn’t get along too well.  Neither one of them liked the other’s holier-than-thou attitude. 

            Speaking of overseas, you think we've got troubles?  London’s mayor race has Sadiq Khan, a Muslim, up by 12 points.  He’s Trump lite.  He called peaceful Muslims, “Uncle Toms” the other day.  You know what I find weird about “Uncle Tom” is that in Harriet Beecher Stowe’s novel, he was an honorable soft-spoken man who worked to get slaves treated humanely and comforted them. The hero!  Supposedly, this is bad form, today where you have to be like Trump and Black Lives Matter. Darn, I miss Ike! 

            And then Caitlin is going to pose nude on the Sports Illustrated.  Just what sport are they illustrating? O’Reilly says every business should have to add a third restroom for Trannies.  Ouch!  That’ll be expensive for a lot of small biz guys. Let me name the restrooms.  I would name them, “Real Men”, “Real Women” and “Liberals”. 

            And today is the 10^th anniversary of Gore’s 2006 “An Inconvenient Truth”.  Alas, Kilamanjaro still has a snow cap, Massive hurricanes, frequent hurricanes haven’t come about.  The constantly increasing temps are actually a 15-year hiatus.  The North Pole isn’t ice free yet and polar bear population has actually increased from 5000 to 20,000.  But Al got rich.  He did it the old-fashioned way by investing in government guaranteed alternative energy businesses.  They went bankrupt but Al got rich.  Democrats are a bunch of rich people telling poor people to vote for rich people because the other rich people are the problem.

Who's Dumb?

Life Daily, a celebrity and lifestyle website, ranked the US Presidents by IQ.  Of course the IQ index was invented in 1905 and we don’t have scores for most Presidents.  Nonetheless, a group of “scholars” assessed IQ based on speeches written, etc.  Then the 44 were parceled into the smartest 19 and dumbest 25.  Of course Life Daily then published the list of The Dumbest 25, since, you know, we all hate politicians and you have to be really dumb to become President.  

And the dumbest was Ulysses Grant.  Excuse me, I’m trying to remember Grant.  Wasn’t he the only guy Lincoln could find who could defeat Robert E. Lee and destroy the army of Northern Virginia?  Wasn’t Grant the guy who won at Vicksburg, cutting the Confederacy into two along the Mississippi? Wasn’t he the President who stood up to Congressional Stalwarts who wanted to punish the South into submission after the war?  Grant noted that only 10% of Southerners had been slave owners and abolition had true believers there too—so the nation needed to heal. Yeah, that was the dummy Grant. It should be noted, however, that they rate his IQ as 120 whereas the average person is 100.

  Next came James Monroe.  What do we remember about him?  Monroe Doctrine that European powers should stay on their side of the pond or USA would stand in the way of their colonialism.  Pretty dumb guy, I guess. 

Then George W. Bush was third dumbest. Graduated upper third of his class at Harvard with an MBA. Won the Iraq war and handed it to Obama who couldn’t keep the aftermath from erupting into ISIS. By the way, Grant, Monroe and W. were so stupid they were elected two terms each. 

The rest of the dumb Prezes were  Bush 41, Ike, Zachary Taylor, Reagan, Hoover and in fact all the Republicans since TR.  Andrew Jackson, LBJ and Truman make the list. But the real shocker was George Washington. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t Washington that self-made farmer who branched out his farming into the brewing business and is estimated as our richest President?  The guy who held the Revolution together?  President of the Constitutional Convention and two terms as our first Prez?  The guy who wisely refused to be king?  You know I think we need to elect more stupidity like this.  Most of these guys were two termers.

So who did these scholars think were smart?  Well, of course the usual suspects among the founders—Jefferson, Madison, Adams & son.  More recent geniuses were Obama, Clinton, Carter, JFK, FDR, and Wilson.  Does this tell us what their bias is?  Obama who couldn’t figure out how to deal with Republicans in Congress, among whom were such uncompromising firebrands like Mitch McConnell and John Boehner?.  Who else makes the smart list?  Well, John Tyler.  You remember William Henry Harrison’s slogan ‘Tippecanoe and Tyler Too.’  When Harrison died, Tyler Too took over and couldn’t get along with Congress. He was very nearly our first impeached Prez. Franklin Pierce and Millard Fillmore were also listed.  Neither could figure out how to negotiate a deal to reduce or gradually eliminate slavery in the South.  Gave up, signed the Fugitive Slave Law and Missouri Compromise and went home after one term apiece. Then there was Rutherford Hayes.  Quick, give me a pithy quote from Rutherford Hayes!  Or well, then try Garfield.  How about Chester Arthur.

But then what must one expect from liberal scholars and celeb watchers?

Maybe we should elect a real dumbo like Ted Cruz.

Reviewing what I remembered about each of these Presidents reminds me of that story by Jerry Clower about how Yazoo City, Mississippi didn’t have money for a college but they still wanted everyone to think they were smart people.  So they hired a famous scholar to represent their city and got him a limo and driver to go around to other colleges and give lectures.  One day the famous scholar asked the limo driver what he thought. “Man, I have listened to your lecture so many times, I could give it myself!” So they traded places and the limo driver gave the lecture at the next town.  Then it came time for questions.  The smartest kid in the college stood up and asked, “Sir, if a dinosaur died in the late Triassic and was buried in a reducing environment under 4200 feet of sediments at 8000 psi of pressure and 300 degrees, what would be the pH of that dinosaur bone as it comes up in a core sample?”  A hush fell over the crowd and the limo driver said, “That is the stupidest question I have ever heard!  Why, that question is so dumb, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do.  I am going to have my limousine driver seated in the back of the room come up here and answer that question.”

HGTV and friends

We take a break from politics on the tube by watching HGTV and other building shows.  I find myself sympathizing with the designers and builders, not the clients. If I worked for somebody like that, I’d quit. Someday I propose a show where they review old episodes and people get to phone in votes for the jerkiest client.  I guess I understand this as a carpenter. We buy an old property, it’s like a crazy puzzle to see what kind of lemonade we can make out of a lemon.  The joy of creating useful space out of a fallen-down shack makes our day.  Not so, the recipients of design on HGTV.  They whine that an unfixed laundry drain they neglected for 15 years has now undermined their foundation. They bitch because the architect has to spend 10 grand to fix it rather than give them the spare bedroom.  They show houses full of unbelievable clutter “before” and designer-inspired redecorating after, and I want to ask the network, “did the crap come back out the day the cameras left?”

            Love It or List It pits a remodeling designer against a realtor who wants to relocate the clients.  After all the moaning and groaning the clients have to choose.  Now you tell me, if a world-class designer came to remodel your home while a super realtor looked for a new house for you, is this in any way not a win-win situation?  I’d be grins and gracious thanks from ear to ear.  Or eager collaborator.  But no, the recipients are such crabs, they should be on the menu at Red Lobster.  And if all goes well with the construction, they add more dreamy things to the wish list, with little regard to the building schedule, as if miracles are expected.  Reminds me of that old Nazi spoof: “Vee vunt the vorld, und vee want it now!”  Then comes the big choice to live with it or list it and you hear whispered conversation that never includes the obvious like, “How the heck do we afford to refinance?” or “let’s go back to the drawing board”  or “why don’t we ask the kids what they want to do”.  I’ve watched shows where they decided to love their old barn while the Taj Mahal waited and thought, “Can’t afford the Taj Mahal after this remodelling, can you.”  Or you have the infernal crabbing about how the designer had to concentrate on main floor only because a massive problem cropped up somewhere and I want to ask, “So why don’t you just add 5K to the budget.  Maxxed out?”

            Other shows have a family giving ultimatums to the builder that they have to move in—in 2 weeks because they are getting kicked out of their rental.  And the builder needs four weeks.  You know what a sensible person would do?  He’d check into a motel for two weeks and let the builder do a professional job rather than slap dash.  Don’t be a bozo.  I’ve had contractors who didn’t stay on the job, but still you have to work with them.

            Which brings up another weird observation.  Why do so many shows have some impossible deadline? “We’re going to remodel this kitchen over the weekend.” Really?  To what purpose?  And then they always show the clients trying their hand at demo by swinging sledge hammers at cabinetry.  I want to run into the house and say, “Look, amateurs swinging big hammers is highly dangerous.  Use a flat bar and do it carefully.  Those cabinets you successfully salvage can be used in the garage.”  Indeed, how many programs have I seen where they brag about being ‘green’ because they use bamboo or walk around on recycled corn stalks or some other silly thing while having demolished all kinds of cabinets and salvageable flooring and toilets to a 30 yard dumpster? Just recycle your stuff, dummy! 

            And then there are shows which I wonder about the purpose.  Tiny houses.  What advantage is there to building a stick built house on a flatbed trailer compared to spending the same $68,000 on a splendid fifth-wheel trailer with good resale value?  Who do you sell an old, tired Tiny House to?  Some hippie like Bernie Sanders before he got into politics? Unabomber? Flea Market Flip turns everything into some sort of weird coffee table.  How many odd coffee tables does the world need? And then there is the flipper who curses and screams at everyone who works for him.  Last episode will feature some guys coming to get him with a straitjacket.

            What seems to be completely out of popularity is landscaping.  I see interior remodelings that run in the six figures while leaving the exterior looking like something Elvis would stand in front of and sing In the Ghetto.  The kitchen has gorgeous gneiss counter tops (which they dub ‘granite’) and drawers that shut themselves and a Viking gas stove.  The outside of the house has evergreens trimmed into balls and cones.  You think this helps resale value?  Curb appeal is the first order of business when selling or even renting.

            And nobody, but nobody explains the theory or art behind the design techniques that look so good.