I listened to the Presidential debate and here are my notes. However, sometimes a deaf guy doesn’t hear just right, so you have to kinda guess what is being said in between—if you know what I mean.
Hillary: His answers are all racist and misogynist!
Lefter Holt: Just give us a few minutes to do a sound check and then we will begin the debate.
Trump: This is not really Hillary! She got sick and this is just a body double!
Bill (in audience): Man, I wish.
Obama (in audience): No mother should have to fear for her black son’s life every time he robs a convenience store.
Holt: Okay, I think we are ready to go. Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the first Presidential debate. While everyone has opinions on our two candidates, we are still going to ask pedestrian questions so you can hear what they have to say. What? I am being informed that a man has been located who lives up a canyon in Utah who has no opinion about Clinton or Trump? So, having fact-checked myself, let us begin. First question is for Mrs. Clinton. Is it true that you and President Obama had secret pen names while communicating on email?
Hillary: Well, yes, but no one would ever guess the one I chose.
Bill (in audience): She used Tammy Wynette. You know, “Stand By Your Man”
Hill: Hush! Now my computer has been acting funny lately. It pops up messages that are odd.
Holt: How so?
Hillary: Well, I told Cheryl Mills that I could see Russia from my computer. And it popped up a message, “We can see Hillary from Russia.” As President, I vow to wipe out Russian cyber terrorism.
Bill: Hey, honey, your ipad is now reading, “You mean, like with a cloth?—Vlad”
Hillary: Bill, this is my debate! I vow to protect America from Russian cyber terrorism.
Holt: And how will you do that? Hillary: Along with Obamacare, each person in America will be required to purchase a hammer and smash their smart phone.
Trump: First jobs she ever created.
Hillary: Not so! If we let in 110,000 Syrian refugees, that is creating jobs for policemen all over America!
Trump: She doesn’t have enough stamina to be President.
Hillary: When Donald can spend 11 hours lying to Congress, he can talk to me about stamina. Do you know how hard it is to keep track of your story after 11 hours?
Holt: Let’s move on. Mr. Trump, your slogan is “Make America Great Again.” How do you defend that against those who say this is borderline racist?
Trump: It wasn’t my first choice. I wanted to use, “It’s the economy, Stupid”
Obama (in audience): That’s plagiarism!
Trump: Right. I would have been happy with, “It’s Islam, Stupid.”
Holt: And how do you defend theories about your health?
Trump: My health? Don’t you mean hers? She’s shovel ready.
Holt: No some have noted that she got pneumonia and you said nothing. Everyone has been saying, “Is Donald okay?”
Trump: I’m healthy as a horse. I’m healthier than the founding fathers!
Priebus (in audience): True. We Republicans developed a way to bring former Presidents back from the dead. One guy told us he could not tell a lie. Poor guy, our campaign consultants told him don’t bother to run. He was so depressed we had to send him back to his own century.
Trump: I apologize. Hillary has created jobs. She did create a lot of FBI jobs to investigate her.
Holt: Will you support Hillary if she is elected President?
Trump: If she is elected, I am moving to Benghazi. It is the only place she won’t bother me.
Gary Johnson (in audience): Benghazi?
Priebus: It’s okay. Rick Perry also forgets. Of course he knew 2 out of 3.
Gary Johnson: Yeah, but I know how to deal with Russia. Hillary gave them the RESET button and they reset her password.
Hillary: I beg your pardon. I happen to have gotten an email from a Nigerian prince and he sent ME 20 million dollars. Can any of the rest of you match that?
Obama: I have just signed an executive order to replace “Looters” with “undocumented shoppers”
Hillary: If I am elected President, I will work with Black Lives Matter to resolve the riots peacefully. I have already begun negotiations.
Holt: You have?
Hillary: Yes, they say they demand civil rights and equal treatment under the law. However, they would settle for several high definition televisions, a couple pairs of sneakers, and a few cases of beer.
Holt: Well, that concludes our debate for tonight. Next week we continue with the question, “If government could fix everything, wouldn’t it be fixed by now?”
Obama: I think you should discuss following ISIS to the gates of hell, like I promised to do.
Trump: How you going to do that in a golf cart?
Well, there you have my notes. Did I miss anything?