Government Motors

Doggone it, I wanted to go see what was available on that new car lot everyone has been talking about.  But when I got out there you had to go through a gatehouse and sign forms.  On the form were all sorts of personal information, SS number and phone number and last year's income.  Then you handed it over to Miss Blue, a clerk so myopic she kept running into file cabinets and poles.  She just threw my form onto a table where there were hundreds of others, all people who had given their vital ID to get in.  And it was carelessly thrown in a pile that any passerby could read.  Nonetheless, as soon as I had complied she opened the back guard gate door and I was allowed to see the new cars. 

The Head Salesman was an impressive guy.  Good looking and articulate, he had that intellectual pause in his voice where his sentences are only partially stated and then comes a profound pause, as if he has really been thinking during his speech about the magnitude of his thoughts, then he rapidly spits out the rest of what he is saying.  “We can save you [pause] $2500 off anything you are paying a year now on a car.” Wow! That sounded good! “Since our base model doesn’t include an engine, that is why it is priced so ultra-low. We’ll transplant the engine with an overhaul free from your present car.”  I told him I had never heard of something like this. “Well, people often get rid of cars because they just wear a lot of miscellaneous things out.  But if there is nothing wrong mechanically, if you like your present engine, you can keep it. Period.”  Gosh, I didn’t know.  I had 180,000 miles on the old jalopy. “There are also a few quirky and unusual small details to our contract," he continued.  "You agree to pay a small 15% tax on all optional devices installed.  And we have a preferred list of mechanics that service our cars.”  Still sounded good to me. 

Then he showed me prices and I was stunned.  “These cars are over double what I had expected to pay! Even the most affordable one is $4500 in payments higher annually.”

“Not really.  You see you get a big rebate based on your need in the form of a tax credit.”

“When is that?”

“A year and a half after you buy.”

“But meantime I have to come up with the money to buy it?”

Suddenly there appeared a big electromagnetic crane over my old car sitting outside the gate.  It sucked my old flivver up to the magnet, rotated dropped it into a crusher and I watched in horror as my vehicle was destroyed. “That’s my car!” 

“Oh, just a necessary cancellation.  It was a substandard car.  Not nearly as good as the ones on our lot.”

“Yeah but I loved my old wheels! And you said I could keep my engine!”

“It was faulty and no good.  Besides you can’t keep your present mechanic anymore unless you pay a much, much higher price.”

This was unreal to me.  I got mad and said I was going to leave this car lot and sue his company.

“Then you have to pay a fine to not participate in our vehicles.”

“Which is?”

“Two and a half percent of your income.  Oh, and if you ever sell your house, you owe us 3.8% of the sale.”

“What?  What kind of car dealership is this?”

“Government Motors,” he replied. “Hey, I’m missing my golf game because of you,” he said consulting his watch.

And just at that point, I woke up.  I guess it was all a bad dream I had over the GM takeover.  Wow, that was one wacky dream!  Glad nothing like this would ever happen in real life!