Clean the House

Everywhere I go people are disgusted with the Congress.  The want to throw out the majority of ‘em.  Trouble is, you can’t vote against Nancy Pelosi in Oklahoma.  But I have a plan:  Give ‘em the Clemens treatment.  You see, I took the family to St. Louis this week to watch baseball, and the news during the trip was about Roger Clemens’ trial and about Holder before Congress. 

I was shopping the Cardinals Club Shop.  For $75 they’ll put your name on the back of a jersey.  But if you want the back to say MUSIAL that costs $100.  And Ozzie Smith, O SMITH, goes for $300.   Whoa!  That presents arbitrage possibilities. “Excuse me.  I’d like one of those $75 custom jerseys with my name.” “Yes, sir.  What’s your name?”  “Oliver Smith.  Just put O SMITH on the shirt.”  (Sorry, it’s my business brain working overtime.)

Baseball is a terribly traditional game and sometimes the tradition gets overwrought.  There is always some statistics buff who thinks he can compare Pujols and Kemp with Nap Lajoie’s triple crown of 1901.  And he demands all statistics compare as well.  Give me a break!  I know why Ty Cobb or Lajoie could hit .400 every year.  They faced bad pitiching.  Pitching science, management, and skill development were in infancy.  Pitchers were sometimes used 12 innings.  Secondly, the fielders wore gloves that remind me of something you would use to get a pie out of the oven.  Third, the ball was softer and thus all hitters concentrated on average.  Still the Statistical Oversight Buffs (SOBs) tend to overlook such things, but get raving mad with foamed mouths over steroid use. 

Matt Holiday was benched with a back spasm episode last week.  My heart goes out to him since about once every two years I have the same back problems.  You can either spend about 6 weeks recovering in agony and taking Aleve and relaxants, or you get a steroid shot and relief in 3 days.  Alas, Matt would be kicked out of baseball if he did the latter.  Olympic athletes who accidentally took a cold pill, also a steroid, have been disqualified a year later for doping. 

Back to Clemens.  He and half a dozen others testified about steroid use in front of Congress 9 years ago.  The grandstanding congressmen entrapped the players, demanding to know if any of them had used steroids, a perfectly legal supplement in the 90’s.  Mark MacGwire was the bad boy for avoiding the question as if someone might charge him with Lying Before Congress.  He just said he wanted to move on and talk about the future of the game.  Others denied, denied, denied.  Now Rog is being charged with perjury.  Looks like MacGwire wasn’t so dumb after all.  Yet while Clemens had the book thrown at him, Holder is getting chance after chance to explain and stonewall and refuse to give documents to Congress over Fast-and-Furious which actually has created a wake of dead bodies, instead of slightly bigger muscles or my healed back.  (Oh, the evils of letting this Okie hang more sheetrock!!)

Err, suppose we were to treat Holder and for that matter, members of Congress to their own Inquisition.  As each member testified, he/she could be replaced by a temp ordinary citizen appointed by their Governor.  Wouldn’t you love to be Joe the Plumber asking Ted Kennedy about Chappaquidick?  Clinton about his BFFs? Obama about his birth certificate?  Do you really think most of the members could pass a test of Telling the Truth before Congress? The way I figure it, all the Democrats and half the Republicans would fail, and could be tried for Perjury and put away for about 20 years. Schumer would be the first to go. Last man standing would be Orrin Hatch.  But he’s so boring he might lose in a primary.  There you go—clean the House.   

Oh, by the way, I didn't hit one extra homer