Fixing things

Been gone on vacation.  Been outa the loop.  Come back and problems everywhere.  I had one renter who called and asked if it was okay if he called the city and had them bring out another septic tank.  His water wouldn’t drain.  Now wait!  You aren’t on a septic system, Dude! The city has nothing to do with your sewer being stopped up!  Turns out it was him mowing off the top of the back yard cleanout and then a cat fell in, died, and plumber had to fish out the remains.  Problem solved.

In politics, all heck is going on in my absence.  I got solutions, however. This business of Iraq falling to Al Qaeda and the illegal surge can be solved.  And we can do it just like Obama  (the lion who chews on his tail in fear) loves—no ground troops.  Just announce that next week Wednesday at high noon we are going to nuke all of Iraq and you people there better leave because what’s there now is going to soon turn into a parking lot.  Then do it.  Next, round up at least half the illegals in America and send them over to rebuild and run the country as a commonwealth country of USA like Puerto Rico. They get opportunity, but no US citizenship.  However, they can apply like anyone else in a commonwealth does.  I figure the illegals could build houses like crazy, defend their handiwork like the Battle of Puerto, and put up crucifixes all over the landscape.  Start a cerveza business for a few thirsty Muslims who return.  Call the place Andalusia and rename Bagdad, Granada.  Any you Muslims want to take it over, better think long and hard about that name. US gets a couple strategic military bases.  Problem solved.

Now this IRS thing where Lerner lost her emails, here's the fix.  Just tell the IRS we are going to treat you the way you treat us—guilty until proven innocent.  So unless Lerner can produce exculpatory emails in an audit of her endeavors, she’s going to be charged based on the rest of the evidence.  Besides, Sarbanes-Oxley now makes all businesses preserve all emails as a paper trail.  If a company destroys these, they will no longer continue in business.  Therefore, tell IRS if you can’t come up with ‘em, we are replacing you with a Fair Tax.  Problem solved.

Next we now have found that Ansar al Sharia guy from Libya.  You know, the one who Obama couldn’t find for a long time, although he gives interviews to every long-haired, maggot-infested journalist available to write notes and record on tape.  But then they are going to try him here in the states.  Whereupon, if the jury finds him innocent after 14 years of appeals, he can just walk out of the courtroom and set off bombs around town.  I suggest we find an uninhabited, unclaimed  island in the arctic.  Proclaim it as ours.  Give him a swift trial under a tent there. No coffee or free Wifi for his lawyers either.  If he is guilty push him into the sea.  If he is innocent tell him to dive in and swim back to where he came from.  Problem solved.

Then the Washington Redskins lost their franchise name.  The Office of Patents, famed for making loud public decisions, says "Redskins" is 'degratory'.  Okay, so that also probably nixes the scheme to keep the team logo as-is and rename them  the Thinskins.  Limbaugh says they should adopt a potato as mascot.  Potato with a football helmet.  Red-skinned potato.  Naw, I suggest the mascot be a politician with a red face over having been caught in a scandal.  Use that bird from the Shoe comics who plays the part of Senator.  Alternatively, you could have a pol in front of a press conference with a red face.  Take your pick.  John Edwards, Jesse Jackson, Slick Willie, Filmer guy in SD, Anthony Weiner, Ted Kennedy.  Or call the team the Washington Overspenders with these guys as mascots.  Carve them into a Mt. Rushmore in that bluff over Arlington that faces DC.  Problem solved.

Oh, you are concerned that Andalusia II will not survive in the Middle East?  Well then supplement the population with a hefty supply of liberals who think they can talk their way out of terrorism. Who didn’t believe Ike when he said “Freedom isn’t free.”  Once they learn reality, let them return as conservatives.  We could send Hillary Reset and her husband, the Big Kahuna there.  Let Obama be the Senate-unapproved Czar of Big Opinions.  If the fighting gets too heavy for him, have a boat ready to return him to the safety of Kenya.

What’s that you say?  You think the Big Kahuna would be unfairly tortured by only being able to see the eyes of Arab women?  You don’t think the liberals could survive the Spanish Inquisition?  You say you long to see Obama swimming back to Africa with a terrorist under each arm? I thought so.