Everybody
wants us to open a restaurant again, but I had a horrible dream last night. The guy I hired as a dishwasher got charged
with child molestation and the Restaurant Association demanded we shut down for
years until by their graces they would let me open up again. When I protested that I would go broke and my
manager and I had nothing to do with the dishwasher’s crimes, the Assoc. sued me
in court. It was hell. My elderly manager took it hard and
resigned. A few months later he died of
grief over the affair. Finally the
Restaurant Association proposed a settlement.
We could start operations again, but I would have to fund a child abuse
program to the tune of $60 million. Then
I woke up and told Shirley about my dream.
“So who were the dishwasher and manager?” she asked. I told her some guys by the names of Sandusky
and Paterno. And in my crazy dream, the
letterhead from the Restaurant Association kept saying “NCAA” (National Culinary
Arts Association??). Let me ask you.
Would you open a business if the NCAA would hold your business
responsible for criminal activity of a rogue employee?
Then
everybody said I should think up something in the way of travel and tourism. So I went to bed to sleep on it. I dreamed of starting a luxury line of cruise
ships. But there are already so many of
these. So where could we go that would
be new and different? And then I
remembered in my dream that the manmade global warming people were predicting
that all the Arctic Ice would be gone by 2020.
More or less because there is some variation in the ice pack in the
Arctic. For example, last summer, the
ice area increased by 60% and many seasonal sea lanes closed north of the
Canadian Territories. But not to worry,
it will all be gone soon and the long-sought NW Passage will be ready, or even
clear sailing over the north pole in about 5 years. So if we start building a fleet of cruise
ships now, we will be done just as the Arctic opens up. All I am asking is that you risk your life
savings to help me invest in this effort.
Would you do it? Maybe I should ask Al Gore to put his money where his
mouth is.
That came
after the nights I dreamed that I jumped on a time machine and traveled back to
the eighties. What could a guy do to
make a killing in literature? So I wrote
a book about a philandering politician whose wife was bisexual. Their marriage seemed to be one of
convenience. While he was governor, she
moved out of the house. She only hitched to him because he was a rising star
politically. When his affairs got out of hand and went public, she was in
charge of demonizing his victims and ruining their reputations. Then, amazingly he got elected President. Finally,
after he retired, she went into politics in another state, like some
carpetbagger, and then ran for President herself. But she lost to a
semi-Marxist guy who was black. So she
ran again at the age of 69. The book
ends with her the likely nominee and maybe eventually President. A majority of Americans can think of no other
person in America that would be better.
So in my dream, I went to a publisher with my freshly written text and he was so
incredulous. He said it was so
preposterous that no one would ever read such a thing. It insults the
intelligence of the American voter and no such people could ever be elected to
the highest office. That’s when I woke
up feeling like something the cat drug in.
I guess that
dream must have bothered me because the next night it came back again, me in
the time machine and going into that book publisher’s office. “Okay, I want to write a fiction book about the
future--what will happen after 1984,” I stated. “And I think it
should shoot the moon with wild happenings so that it just gets novel attention
now, but sells later when some of the ideas just might come true.” He stroked his chin. “So what do you have in mind?”
“The
computer and phone. The computer gets so
smart it kills the encyclopedia business.
A worldwide information sharing system is adopted where you can buy and
sell, ask and get answers of just about anything.” He gave a smirk. “Wow, you really are crazy,” and hooking a
thumb over his shoulder he said, “See, I can’t even get the darned thermal
paper to go in this printer for this Apple II-E. They say it is just a glorified replacement
for the typewriter. How in the heck
could it be hooked up worldwide? We don’t
have enough copper to put in that many lines.”
“No, by satellite,” I enthused.
And then there would be phones that were so smart they could take over
like Dick Tracy’s wrist radio system, only they would be devices that you could
write on, ask questions of, check the weather and find out where you were in
the world. Even spend hours playing games on.”
“People would never go back to writing if they had voice communications.”
He averred. “Oh, no! They will use their
thumbs and walk around sending texts to each other. They will get so involved they will crash
cars and when walking will run into things.”
“You have to be crazy!” he sneered at me. “Hunt and peck with two thumbs? And why not just talk? "Oh and something we can call social media, where people put up all kinds of stuff about where they ate dinner and what happened to their pet. Some people would get so much into this that they neglect the rest of their lives. " He was holding his head in his hands now, "This is too outlandish. I can’t support you writing such nonsense.
Forget it!"
“All right,
how about this. The peaceful fall of
international communism and it is replaced by various forms of fascism.” “Now you are out to lunch,” he rolled his
eyes. “How do you propose to bring down
communism peacefully-- in maybe a hundred years?” “No really, it could happen in a half dozen
years. Christians will bring it down
from within.” “That’s absurd! There aren’t any Christians in the communist
countries.” “No, imagine that the iron
curtain opens up and we discover that nearly 1/3 of the people are secretly
Christians. They start marching in
Germany as a peaceful protest with little candles and that brings the regime down.” “But that couldn’t possibly be! The government would turn their tanks on a
peaceful protest the way they massacred the Hungarians in ’56 and slammed the
door shut on the Czechs in ’68.” “No,
the communists get so caught up in an arms race with Reagan that their inefficient
economy goes bankrupt and their philosophy is bankrupt against the arguments of the citizens. When the people start to march, they are so
many in number that the soldiers won’t turn their guns on their own people. Marchers
overwhelm the authorities from Berlin to Vladivostok and tear down the Berlin
wall with their hands.” “Nobody would
buy a story like that,” he turned serious.
Even if they believed the myth about there being some Christians. But I kept talking. “As the world turns
capitalist, the Chinese realize that their free market neighbors are growing
exponentially all around them.
Grudgingly they open up to commerce and we discover 100 million Chinese are
Christians that are changing the country from within.” “What have you been smoking?” he asked. “you know that Christianity doesn’t appeal to
the oriental culture and China will never have any but the tiniest minority of them.
Just look at Japan! Indonesia! What kind of spirit do you conjure up to do this?”
“Look. If you want to write futuristically, you need
to write about traveling to the moon or Mars in a spaceship or something.” He coached
me. “No.
NASA gets almost killed off by a socialist President. He makes them stop rockets and start doing
stuff to support Muslims. He was the first
Afro-American President and everyone thought he was going to do everything
right.” “What? You mean a guy like Jesse Jackson or Ralph Abernathy? They are old news. And socialist? That’s impossible. Why, America is growing under free markets
and is the envy of the world. We are in
a cold war against the Russians. We’d never turn socialist.” “Well this guy secretly hides his background and
gets elected. He immediately passes a
nationalized healthcare but it doesn’t work.
The Democrats spend 8 years defending it and lose their kiester in the
elections. But meanwhile the socialist does
hundreds of executive orders and bypasses laws right and left.” “So the last chapter is he gets impeached,”
the publisher grinned. "No," I sighed. "the Republicans wuss out."
Then he
sighed and told me, “I don’t know. Your
ideas are just too goofy. This is the
USA and people don’t just flee their senses that way. Even as fiction this won’t sell. Critics would destroy my publishing company and
we’d go out of business. Good luck on
getting it printed somewhere.”
And with
that my dream ended, and I realized that if you proposed today's world as fiction in the
brave new world of 1984, you’d never have gotten it published.
Gosh, I didn't even get to the part about Muslims becoming terrorists or the American economy becoming like southern Europe.