Limp Picks

Golly, Ma and me been watching the Limp Picks. Since she had knee surgery and I been tryin to cook, we are both housebound and so it was natural to watch TV.  Now she wants to take up Ice Dancing after she gets better.  No way!  I don’t skate, unless you count that time we had an ice storm.  I flailed my arms wildly and kicked out several times like a desperation snow angel in midair, then landed on my kiester.  They called it a triple klutz.  Well anyway, we sure enjoyed watching Meryl and Charlie do their dancing and win that gold. Now maybe Charlie will have enough money to get a haircut.  NBC interviewed Meryl and she ended the interview, “well this is wonderful, but now we have to break this off and go compete.”  I loved it. Concentration and intensity.  Heart of a linebacker.  Those TV people only yak and ask Bode Miller how he feels eleven times.  Man, never ask a guy how he feels!  Ask him if he got ‘r dun. 

Everything at the beginning was under construction but as soon as the games began you didn’t hear anymore about it.  That’s because that President of Russia never smiles.  He just writes down your name.  Better watch what you say.  No more stories about roachy Sochi.  No wise thoughts about how that Super G course was laid out by some guy who had too much vodka and couldn’t keep the course straight.  But they did have a lot of undone construction.  Here’s proof.  There was one event where the guys kept skiing into a construction site and hitting these big on-ramps that weren’t done yet.  They’d trip and flip in the air 4 or 5 times then come down like a cat that you hold upside down by four legs then release.  Good thing they were such good skiers.

Did you see everybody keeps biting them medals?  I mean you can bite gold or lead to see if it is real but silver and bronze?  Looks like a good way to lose a filling to me.  We did enjoy watching Bob and his sled.  Poor guys.  The motor wouldn’t start so they had to push the way I used to have to get help to push that old straight eight Pontiac.  Small world, I guess.  USA was driving a BMW.  You’d think Detroit and the UAW would have been able to cobble up something, especially after their bailout which they have not paid back.  I move we enlist NASCAR next time.  The NASCAR guys will be able to design a spoiler or Teflon coat the blades or something tricky.  Then you could get sponsors to put logos all over the body.  Make them Russians jealous because they don’t have all them products.  Ma, she watched the Moguls and wondered how they made all those little humps.  My theory is that in summer that thing is a salvage yard with all those useless cars they used to make over there—Volgas, Trabants, Yugos—you know, the ones that had tar paper for a vinyl top. Well you add five feet of snow over that salvage yard and you get moguls.  I once saw this happen in Idaho.  Whatever the case, Ma says those young’uns who sky don’t realize they’s lookin at knee surgery in their future.

The other thing everyone was predicting was terrorism and it hasn’t happened.  That’s because the Muslims saw all those guys coming in to do biatholon.  If there’s any terrorism, they just turn the Finnish team loose on the countryside.  Those dudes held off the Russians, you know. We have so many channels on our TV that I think I found an offshoot channel where they show events that we never see because USA doesn’t win any medals in those sports.  They expanded to several new events to try to involve the Muslims who live around Sochi.  But it’s been pretty rough going.  The Pairs Suicide Bombing Skaters kept getting big deductions because they failed to detonate.  The people who did Women’s Guard Gate Running Luge kept getting off the course because they couldn’t see due to their burka.

It’s been an interesting show altogether.  Ma looked at me and said, “You think they got rednecks in Russia?”  I don’t see why not.  They got a stray dog problem, don’t they? The head NBC dude got pink eye from ‘em.  NBC’s set has big pile of firewood but no fire because no one wants to take out the ashes.  No question in my mind.