I listened to the Presidential
debate and here are my notes. However,
sometimes a deaf guy doesn’t hear just right, so you have to kinda guess what
is being said in between—if you know what I mean.
Hillary: His answers are all
racist and misogynist!
Lefter Holt: Just give us a few minutes to do a sound
check and then we will begin the debate.
Trump: This is not really Hillary! She got sick and
this is just a body double!
Bill (in audience): Man, I wish.
Obama (in audience): No mother
should have to fear for her black son’s life every time he robs a convenience
store.
Holt: Okay, I think we are ready
to go. Welcome ladies and gentlemen to
the first Presidential debate. While
everyone has opinions on our two candidates, we are still going to ask
pedestrian questions so you can hear what they have to say. What?
I am being informed that a man has been located who lives up a canyon in
Utah who has no opinion about Clinton or Trump?
So, having fact-checked myself, let us begin. First question is for Mrs.
Clinton. Is it true that you and
President Obama had secret pen names while communicating on email?
Hillary: Well, yes, but no one
would ever guess the one I chose.
Bill (in audience): She used Tammy Wynette. You know, “Stand By Your Man”
Hill: Hush! Now my computer has
been acting funny lately. It pops up
messages that are odd.
Holt: How so?
Hillary: Well, I told Cheryl
Mills that I could see Russia from my computer.
And it popped up a message, “We can see Hillary from Russia.” As President, I vow to wipe out Russian cyber
terrorism.
Bill: Hey, honey, your ipad is
now reading, “You mean, like with a cloth?—Vlad”
Hillary: Bill, this is my debate! I vow to protect America from Russian cyber
terrorism.
Holt: And how will you do that?
Hillary: Along with Obamacare, each person in America
will be required to purchase a hammer and smash their smart phone.
Trump: First jobs she ever
created.
Hillary: Not so! If we let in 110,000 Syrian refugees, that is
creating jobs for policemen all over America!
Trump: She doesn’t have enough
stamina to be President.
Hillary: When Donald can spend 11 hours lying to
Congress, he can talk to me about stamina.
Do you know how hard it is to keep track of your story after 11 hours?
Holt: Let’s move on. Mr. Trump, your slogan is “Make America Great
Again.” How do you defend that against
those who say this is borderline racist?
Trump: It wasn’t my first
choice. I wanted to use, “It’s the
economy, Stupid”
Obama (in audience): That’s plagiarism!
Trump: Right. I would have been happy with, “It’s Islam,
Stupid.”
Holt: And how do you defend
theories about your health?
Trump: My health?
Don’t you mean hers? She’s shovel
ready.
Holt: No some have noted that she got pneumonia and
you said nothing. Everyone has been
saying, “Is Donald okay?”
Trump: I’m healthy as a horse. I’m healthier than the founding
fathers!
Priebus (in audience): True.
We Republicans developed a way to bring former Presidents back from the
dead. One guy told us he could not tell
a lie. Poor guy, our campaign
consultants told him don’t bother to run.
He was so depressed we had to send him back to his own century.
Trump: I apologize. Hillary has created jobs. She did create a lot of FBI jobs to
investigate her.
Holt: Will you support Hillary if she is elected
President?
Trump: If she is elected, I am moving to
Benghazi. It is the only place she won’t
bother me.
Gary Johnson (in audience): Benghazi?
Priebus: It’s okay. Rick Perry also forgets. Of course he knew 2 out of 3.
Gary Johnson: Yeah, but I know
how to deal with Russia. Hillary gave
them the RESET button and they reset her password.
Hillary: I beg your pardon. I happen to have gotten an email from a
Nigerian prince and he sent ME 20 million dollars. Can any of the rest of you match that?
Obama: I have just signed an executive order to
replace “Looters” with “undocumented shoppers”
Hillary: If I am elected
President, I will work with Black Lives Matter to resolve the riots
peacefully. I have already begun
negotiations.
Holt: You have?
Hillary: Yes, they say they
demand civil rights and equal treatment under the law. However, they would settle for several high
definition televisions, a couple pairs of sneakers, and a few cases of beer.
Holt: Well, that concludes our
debate for tonight. Next week we
continue with the question, “If government could fix everything, wouldn’t it be
fixed by now?”
Obama: I think you should
discuss following ISIS to the gates of hell, like I promised to do.
Trump: How you going to do that
in a golf cart?
Well, there you have my
notes. Did I miss anything?